Bside

in my kitchen telling my mama im not depressed its just weird and that ima make it one day

Dear Tumblrverse,

     I usually dont write anything personal on my tumblr. Just one liners and what not. Not sure why I think its not safe to share on here. I probably write too much on my facebook at times. Forever stored on the internet. Well I recently saw the social network movie and I got the feeling i should write my feels somewhere and for some reason it inspired to write a long text post on tumblr!!!!!! I guess the reason I choose to write in this space was cause some of my younger friends don’t have instant acesss to this blog.

     Well where to start?? Without going into much details since july of 2011 i have been struggling with the various stages of dealing with losing all vision in my left eye then regaining it then losing it and all the beautiful things that you can imagie that goes into that. The crazy part about it all is that, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it in anyway possible or to speed up the healing in any realistic manner. I am now 21 full time community college student trying to get his act together to transfer by the end of the year while partaking in one of the most interseting processes of spiritualy empowering youth of my neighborhood while struggling to accept the fact and understand that people look up to me and the chocies i make affect people a lot more then I give myself credit for.

     So right now I’m struggling with depression. I know everything is gonna be ok but it certainly takes a toll on my eagerness to do things. With out me wanting to my will has left me. I’m sure not many realize it because when I have to do something for someone I forget and just try to live in the moment as long as the moment isn’t too long. Truth is that I should be in bed most of this year instead of doing everything else that needs to be done. If this affliction would had affected a lesser man it would had ruined his life for a year already. I ready shouldn’t be doing none of this stuff. What confuses me about it the most is why have I been able to function as well as I have and completed some real goals and what not. It has been so painful in all caterioes of my life dealing with this eye thing, but I’ve gotten it done so far so I guess its one of God’s blessings.

    People don’t even really can’t understand the struggle its been since nothing like this usually happens to people. Some people are like yeah whatever and that’s fine. Some people don’t even notice, guess I’m doing a good job or something but the one reaction that gets to me is that of assuming that I am half heartily doing something or that I’m lazy. IDK what to even say to that. If anything I go too hard.

    That brings me to the advantages of the incident(s). Its really forced me to understand the way things work around me. How to deal with people in more loving ways. How to bear and endure. Being selfless. Learning to rely on other people to accomplish things, thinking of myself in new ways. It’s really slowed me down but I’ve been enjoying more of the subtleties in interactions with people and with nature. It’s been a blessing, I guess its made me more wise as well I was more likely to run myself into some immediate danger. Trying to do too much at once was probably or is gonna be the death of me.

      Sincerely,

                   Acora

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